I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
organizing the empties. That sober.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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