Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
