You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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