i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
