Duck Duck Cougar?
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
