He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
