I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Randomize
