Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Text me some of your sweat
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
