yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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