im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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