this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
