i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Send help, water and tortillas.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
