He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
