Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
