so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
