batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
