After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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