oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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