She is in my trunk
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
