First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I can't put those talents on a resume
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
