He uses pillows to masturbate.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Green mimosas i think yes
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
