I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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