Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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