my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
