My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Randomize
