Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Randomize
