are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
