If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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