just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
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