I am puke
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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