What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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