1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
