i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize