My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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