I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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