A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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