Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
