Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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