At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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