Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Ketchup is God's man juice
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
