how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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