11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Randomize
