Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
