you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
two words...techno handjob
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
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