Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
not ubering you a puppy
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