Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
