____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
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