At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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