I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
