Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
