By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
false alarm, still single
Randomize
