96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
