I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
